Boundaries

Proverbs 14:10 says: The heart knows its own bitterness; and no one else can share its joy. Yes, we can share a lot with other people, but we are the only ones who really experience what is going on in our own heart. We are the only ones who can protect it from bad influences, we are the only ones who can nurture it with good things. God has entrusted us with a life for which we will later be held responsible. But how can we do that, if we don’t understand what our boundaries are? That is why we need to learn from the Word of God, where our property begins and where it ends. I have seen many people struggle with life, just because they do not take responsibility for their own life and expect others to step in instead. They blame others for what happens to them and even for what they do themselves. And at the same time they spend a lot of time and energy on other people for whom they feel responsible. It is no wonder that everyday life is difficult and painful for them. God told us to have self-control, not other-control. We are responsible for our life, not for the life of others.

Notice the difference between burden and load. A load is what we have to deal with on a daily basis, something that we can handle, even if this requires some effort – like a backpack that we take on a hike. No one should carry it for us. We have to take ownership of our everyday life and we are responsible for carrying the loads that come with it. Problems arise, when people act as if their burdens are something they can carry alone and refuse help, or as if their daily loads were too heavy for them and something they shouldn’t have to carry – or, conversely, if we refuse to help others in need or if we take away from others the load that they should carry themselves. The results of these actions are either constant pain or chronic irresponsibility.

Neither of them ever took ownership of his or her behavior. In their minds, it was always “caused” by the other person. Blaming somebody else for our own behavior is a sign of great immaturity — and I say this although I am painfully aware of the fact that I fall into that trap myself more often than I want to. On the surface, it seems that we can get rid of the responsibility for our actions by blaming somebody else. But in reality we’re just denying ourselves the chance of getting help, because we don’t want to admit to ourselves and others that we failed. By putting the blame on our spouse, we hurt the person we love and who would be most willing to help us. But how can you help somebody who is not willing to accept ownership of the problem that needs to be solved?

The problem here is not just the immaturity of one spouse, but also the fact that the other one allows himself/herself to become a victim of such a behavior actually enables it, out of fear that setting limits would endanger the relationship. However, while setting limits might cause a temporary stir that we have to endure, the lack of freedom that we experience from not setting limits will prevent our relationship from going deeper.